


poison to fire

by noclouds



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Fire Metaphors Galore, M/M, Possible Spoilers for Folks Not Caught Up, Post-Episode: c02e097 The Fancy and the Fooled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27510370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noclouds/pseuds/noclouds
Summary: essek didn't account for them. they were idiotic, annoying, but perceptive and kind. he was undeserving.// or, as soon as essek leaves the balleater, he ruminates.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Caleb Widogast, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 8
Kudos: 44





	poison to fire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [INKmonarch](https://archiveofourown.org/users/INKmonarch/gifts).



> I can't believe it took me ninety-seven episodes of Critical Role to finally be hit with the inspiration to write something for this wonderful world. This has been my quarantine binge and this show, this community has really been the spark to my creativity. I'm so happy to finally be able to give back as I still slowly catch up. 
> 
> Welcome back to the world of undercase character studies; I love writing them. They're so painfully beautiful. 
> 
> This is for my friend, Quinn. I owe them for showing me this wonderful community in the first place. <3

he didn't account for them. 

gliding off the gangplank, head low, shoulders slunk, he didn't think they'd notice. the night had always been a shield to him, to disappear into the dark and hide. these colorful group of individuals, sought after between nations, all across the continent, bringing chaos to good will... they were idiotic, annoying, but perceptive and kind. 

essek never had friends. he had his work. he had his reputation. the shadowhand required an air of grace and public perception which he didn't have as young as he was; it was earned, had to be reaped. he had to force it, create it, make it all for himself to rise above the expectations set for him in his strive for greatness. 

but how far he had sunk to try and reach it. 

he wasn't sure who he was in this conflict. not with the dynasty, not with the empire. he had always been alone. alone amongst books and magic and studying and-- it was the world he knew. it shouldn't have been changed.

he didn't account for them, and their kindness, and their (misguided, destroyed) trust. he didn't want them to fall into the depths for his own mistakes. if they did... is that regret felt like? still his actions are his own, but for the nein to get stuck in his web of lies and get hurt for it-- that would be the regret that swallowed him hole. 

he doesn't want them to hurt. he doesn't want them to suffer in the pains of his own undoing. yet, the hurt he know he's already caused... his heart pangs in his chest. 

what are friends? not pawns, not weapons. what are they in use to him? it's confusing. he still doesn't know. 

beauregard could've pummeled him into mush. yasha and fjord could've sliced him in two. caduceus and jester could've worked their magic to decay him inside out. nott could've shot a bolt through his neck. and caleb... caleb could've incinerated him where he sat. 

caleb. 

a spot on his forehead burns. 

he could've done a lot of things to him. why didn't he? instead, he showed kindness, remorse... something more? 

essek rubs his sleeve over the skin of his forehead, wiping until he feels his skin raw. he is undeserving. 

gliding down the docks of a city he doesn't care for, he puts his feet on the ground. he lets out a deep sigh, staring at the wood between his illusionary form, and moves his hands to grip at his hair. how odd it must look, for the longer fake-blonde strands to meld through his fake-fingers. fake. fake. all he ever was and will be. 

how guilty he felt for marring something, someone who beautiful and full of the ambition he yearned for. 

essek didn't account for someone like him to watch upon him with eager eyes and keen mind, gazing upon his moments like a better teacher. he wanted to show caleb all he knew, for the wizard would be far better a wizard than he could dream of. and selfishly, he wanted to use him still, for his own advancement. they had already created new magic together, they could go farther. essek wanted to use him until his use ran out. 

he stops walking. his heart fills with grief. how unfair to such a wonderful creature who had nestled under his skin and shown him love. for him, he would do better. to be deserving of it. unaware of the tears down his cheeks, essek cries, because he doesn't know which direction to go. 

essek is poison, caleb was wrong. it's all he knows of himself. through the hurt he can see in the human's eyes, he refuses to add more to that fire which burns.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Please note that I only just finished Episode 97 so please don't spoil some stuff in the comments! I've found that Critters are super respectful, so it probably doesn't need to be said. If you liked it though, please let me know. Kudos and comments are super appreciated!
> 
> Everyday Twitter: [@prettyboysknee](https://twitter.com/prettyboysknee)  
> Fandom Twitter (No Minors): [@julianspeaches](https://twitter.com/julianspeaches)  
> Tumblr: [pequenoleon](https://pequenoleon.tumblr.com)


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